The Breakup Plan
by anachiel
Summary: 'I don't get paid enough for this,' Yamazaki thought, as the Yorozuya, his Commander and Vice-Commander hashed out the details of how they could end this terrible, doomed, kind-of romance.
1. Chapter 1

"Gin-san."

"Hmm?" came a muffled grunt from the couch in the room, where Gintoki laid with his JUMP in hand and his clothes askew.

"Have you seen Kagura-chan today?"

"Hm? Oh. She said she was going to the park."

"She's been going to the park more often recently, don't you think?"

Shinpachi abruptly stopped dusting the table.

"And staying there longer than usual. Sometimes until late into the night."

An affirmative noise came from Gintoki with the shuffle of pages turning.

"I heard from the Gorilla that Okita-san has been coming in later than usual too."

Shinpachi slowly continued his unnecessary dusting of the shiny surface.

An expectant silence followed.

Gintoki sat up suddenly, he and Shinpachi turning their heads to look at each other with matching, horrified expressions.

"Kagura-chan has grown, hasn't she-"?

"She always fights with Soichiro-kun at the park-"

"-she's at that age where people get curious about some things-"

"-if she's spending all that time with that sadistic little shit, and-"

"-and she's been paying more attention to her appearance than usual so-"

"-that can only mean one thing!" they said simultaneously.

They stared at each other. Gintoki let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head.

"Hahaha… ha… That was dumb, Patsuan. Just because she spends some time with that boy, disappears for hours at times and comes home at ridiculous hours doesn't mean… it doesn't mean…"

Gintoki dropped his JUMP on the ground the same moment Shinpachi let his duster drop on the table, and shot up straight.

"Shinpachi! She's doing the hanky-panky with that _Shinsengumi_ bastard! What do we do?"

"Calm down, Gin-san! Maybe them getting together will stop their fighting and we won't have to pay half the bill of the destruction they cause."

They tried to imagine Kagura and Sougo in a relationship and all they could come up with was a little argument about toilet paper being hung wrong escalating to full out war with _Shinsengumi_ against the _Harusame_ where Edo got destroyed by Kagura's maniac of a brother and bald father and Kagura made a carpet out of Sougo's skin as a trophy like a black widow and went with his brother to conquer the galaxy, eventually succeeding and having everyone with blonde(ish) hair or red(ish) eyes executed and adding their skins to her collection of carpets.

Or even worse, them combining their awful, sadistic and inhumanly strong genes to form a creature they would call a _baby_ , raise it to be the Killer of Hijikata and Conqueror of the Galaxy in their stead.

Gintoki could see it, a young, orange haired and red eyed girl wielding a Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon laughing amidst the remains of Edo with flames roaring around her, reflecting on her face while she imagined the destruction of the rest of the universe.

"We should just ask her." said Shinpachi.

"Are you crazy? Can you imagine what will happen when we even suggest such a thing? She'll deny it even if there _is_ something going on, and shove that umbrella up our asses as a bonus."

They paused, thinking of ways to stop such a catastrophe from taking place.

"Shinpachi."

"What, Gin-san?"

Gintoki looked Shinpachi in the eyes, a rare, grim expression on his face.

"Call for a meeting. Say it's a level eight emergency."

* * *

Hijikata burst into the room, his sword out of its sheath and chest heaving with his rapid breathing. His legs hurt from the exertion of running all the way from the _Shinsengumi_ compound to the _Yorozuya_ , no cars being available at that moment.

His eyes scanned the room quickly, looking for the attackers that surely must have been there. His stance poised to fight, arm tense to swing his sword at any moment, he only saw two of the useless _Yorozuya_ trio sitting on a table, that glasses boy's sister fending off Kondo's advances on the opposite side. Tea cups with wisps of steam rising from the top were on the table in front of each of them. Yamazaki nervously trailed in after him.

"Oh, Mayora. Finally. What took you so long?" said Gintoki, wiping snot on the bottom of the table.

Hijikata felt blood rush to his head, hand itching to run his sword through the silver haired bastard leaning nonchalantly in his seat.

"What the hell, you bastard! Level eight can only be used for extremely dangerous situations, and you ring it up just to gather us up for _tea time_? Are you a fucking idiot?"

Yamazaki wanted to calm him down, but being familiar the Demon Vice-Chief, he knew there was nothing he could do but wait for him to run out of steam.

"Calm down, Hijikata-san!" said Shinpachi, "This really is a level eight situation."

"I can't see any aliens bursting in here to kill you." said Hijikata sheathing his sword.

Shinpachi got up and separated the Gorilla from his sister by punching him in the face and pulling a chair between them.

"Please sit down, Hijikata-san." he said.

Shinpachi pulled a chair next to himself for Yamazaki to sit, waving the young spy over. He set two cups of tea in front of his seat and Yamazaki, who had already sat down.

Hijikata sat down too, waiting for Shinpachi to sit down on the other side and explain what the problem was. ' _It must be something big for them to need to use level eight_ ,' he thought, _'maybe they heard something about the space pirates planning an attack on Edo and decided to share the information.'_

"I'll cut to the chase."

Gintoki cleared his throat, sitting up straighter and looking at each of them gravely. Only seeing that expression once or twice on the usually airheaded man, Hijikata unconsciously sat up straighter too. He was the infamous _Shiroyasha_ , after all. _'It really must be important.'_

"What you will hear in this room will stay in this room."

Hijikata nodded and gripped the edge of the table. All the others nodded in confirmation.

Gintoki took a deep breath. The suspense was killing Hijikata, but all the years he spent in the _Shinsengumi_ had taught him to be patient.

After an expectant silence, Gintoki finally spoke.

"We think Kagura and Soichiro might be doing the hanky-panky."

Hijikata felt blood rushing to his head again, his vision going red. He jumped across the table, knocking the teacups over and closed his hands on the curly haired man's throat.

"You fucking called us here, level eight emergency, _eight_ , because you think Sougo and your girl are going out? I'll kill you, you piece of shit!"

* * *

In the end it took Kondo, Yamazaki and Shinpachi to pull him off Gintoki, that _bastard_. After gathering their cups from where they had fallen and getting their refills, they sat in an uneasy silence.

Still pissed off and wanting to know what Sougo and Kagura dating necessitated this much alarm, he spoke.

"So, what makes you say that they are doing what you're thinking?"

"Well, Kagura has been going to the park where she usually meets Okita-san a lot more and staying there longer, coming home in the middle of the night and Go- Kondo-san said that Okita-san has been spending a lot more time outside than he does normally, right?"

"What part of this says they're dating, damn it!"

"Well, Sougo left the compound with a bouquet two days ago. Though I think I saw him hide a blade inside it. I'm not sure, thought." said Kondo.

"And every time they argue, the Captain gets upset and takes it out on us. I still have blisters in my hand from the last training session." said Yamazaki from his spot.

"She bought a nice dress last week, with money we don't have and went to the park with it, for God's sake! She was wearing _lipstick_! Don't you know there are no such things as coincidences, you damn Mayora!"

Otae clapped her hands, tears gathering in her eyes.

"Little Kagura- _chan_ has finally become a woman!" she said, wiping her eyes with her thumbs. "Oh, they grow up so fast!"

Ignoring both Kondo's wailings of _'Our boy has finally grown up, Toushiro!'_ and Gintoki's nickname for him, he said;

"Shut up, all of you! So what if they are dating? What part of all this is an emergency?"

This time, it was Gintoki who leapt across the table, holding Hijikata's shoulders and shaking them.

"How can you not see it's a top-level emergency! Think, Mayora, if all that shit you eat hasn't killed all your brain cells, what will happen if they really are dating!"

Knocking Gintoki's hands off his shoulders, he decided to humor the idiot.

He saw them fighting as usual with some disgustingly lovey-dovey moments sprinkled in between. He saw them getting married with a reception that ended up in mayhem and chaos, and finally, a child. A cute little child that Sougo would raise with that violent, equally sadistic girl.

He saw that child, 7 years old and dancing on a grave marked, ' _Here lies Hijikata Toushiro, Friend, Brother, Mayonnaise obsessed freak,_ ' while cackling maniacally and running towards his parents.

His face blanched. He took a shaky breath to dispel the images.

"Alright," he said, "Alright. What do we do?"

* * *

They sent Yamazaki to gauge the situation.

After waiting for five long hours, Yamazaki appeared before the _Yorozuya_ building and they wasted no time to drag him in and start the interrogation.

The results weren't heartening. Apparently, Sougo and Kagura just spent half an hour trading punches, and the rest was spent laying under the shade of a tree talking and, as Yamazaki said, _cuddling_.

He said he left after they started mooching and Sougo's hand slipped up Kagura's thigh and up her _qipao'_ s slit.

His eyes burned. He had never wanted to see his Captain in that position, and now it would forever be burnt in his eyelids.

' _I don't get paid enough for this_ ,' he thought, as the _Yorozuya_ , his Commander and Vice-Commander hashed out the details of how they could end this terrible, doomed, kind-of romance.

* * *

"Ah… Um, Kagura-chan." Gintoki said nervously, the said girl leaning on her enormous dog and snacking on whatever she found on their constantly lacking fridge.

"What is it, Gin-chan?" she said, eyes fixed on the shitty soap opera playing on the TV.

Gintoki shuffled his feet, sat on the sofa and leaned back on the backrest, then sat up upright. Leaned back again. Fiddled with his sleeve.

"You've been meeting wi- Um. Seeing Soichiro-kun recently, right?"

"Yes? I always see him. He patrols the Kabuki district, you know that."

"Well. Yes, true. That's true."

At his choked tone, Kagura tore her eyes from the TV to look at him.

"Are you alright, Gin-chan?"

"Yes, yes! Of course," Gintoki let out a weak laugh, "I'm always alright!"

His fake laughter faded off with Kagura still looking at him like he has gone mad.

"Well… The thing is, Kagura," he said, taking a breath to calm himself, "You're a grown girl, now."

"Yes?"

"And, well… Boys, uh," Gintoki said, looking at anything but her, "Boys may start to take interest in you."

"Yeah? They've already been taking and interest in me for a while now," said Kagura, returning to her soap opera, "You don't have to worry about it. I can handle myself."

"No, no, I know. But! If you happen to take an interest in a boy, you should know that all men are pigs and they either want your money, or your body! And seeing that we don't have any money they definitely want your body so you should just crush their balls, got it? Except me and Patsuan, of course, we're your family. But crush the balls of any other men, alright? Even if you know them."

"Uh-huh, Gin-chan. Whatever you say." said Kagura, obviously not listening.

Gintoki sighed. Oh well. At least he had done his part.

* * *

"So, Sougo."

"What do you want, Hijikata-san?" Sougo said, not taking his eyes off his sword which he was oiling and polishing to get it ready for the next day.

Hijikata shuffled his feet. He fiddled with his mayonnaise lighter, turning the part with the flint stone a few times, and finally taking out a cigarette from his pack and lighting it.

He took a drag from his cigarette, the burning on the back of his throat helping him ground himself.

"That China girl sure has grown, hasn't she?"

He found himself with Sougo's sword held against his neck with its owner staring at him with cold, murderous eyes the next moment.

"Think twice about whatever you are going to say, Hijikata-san," said Sougo with a deceptively calm tone, "Because it just might be your last."

"No. No! I wasn't going to say anything untoward!" said Hijikata. "Just that you've been spending a lot of time with her, haven't you?"

Sougo seized him with cold, darkened eyes.

"What is it to you?" He pressed a little harder, calling forth a line of blood.

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Hijikata said, a drop of sweat making its way down his forehead.

After _looking_ at him for a few more moments, Sougo pulled his sword back and put it in its sheath.

"Good. Keep it that way. We wouldn't want our Vice-Commander's body to be found in a dumpster in a dark alley, now, would we?"

* * *

The second idea was to redirect Kagura's interest to another, nicer, kinder and more suitable boy.

"That eliminates, let's see…" Hijikata said from his spot at the table, fingers rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Absolutely no one! Everyone is nicer and kinder compared to Sougo!"

Gintoki tilted his head.

"Hmm… You're right. Anyone would be better than that little monster."

Shinpachi came into the room carrying a notepad and a pen.

"Have you come up with anything, Gin-san?"

"I don't even know what we're supposed to be doing. We are to find another boy for Kagura, right?"

"Yes, but it won't be easy." Shinpachi said, writing down the names of every male they knew. "For one, we have to take Kagura-chan's appetite into account. The person we find should be able to keep up with her bills. Which means he has to have a good income."

Affirmative grunts came from Gintoki and Hijikata. Shinpachi crossed about half of the names off the list. He sighed. _'Why does almost everyone we know have to be so poor?'_

"And he has to be a good fighter. Kagura-chan would definitely get bored otherwise." said Gintoki.

Shinpachi crossed a few more names. He stared at the list.

"Gin-san."

"What is it, Patsuan?"

"Um, should we really have included all these Joui members?"

"You said to tell you of every eligible male we know, so I did." Said Gintoki while picking his nose with undue focus.

"Wait a minute, just how many Joui members do you know? I can't promise I won't arrest whoever you take to meet China girl with the three of you if you decide on one of them."

Gintoki paused.

"Ha ha… ha… What are you talking about, Patsuan? What Joui members?" Kicking Shinpachi under the table, he waited until Hijikata averted his eyes for a moment and whispered, "Cross them off, quick!" while making throat cutting motions.

"A-ah, yes… Okay. We're left with," Shinpachi quickly counted the names on the list, "three people."

Hijikata lit a cigarette and leaned back on his chair.

"Well, who are they? Don't keep us waiting."

Shinpachi cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable and looked between the two.

"We have Gorilla, Hijikata-san and lastly, the Shogun."

Hijikata, between pushing himself away from the table, trying to stand up and untangling his legs, succeeded in tipping his chair back and crashing on the ground.

"What the hell, Shinpachi! I'm not letting my little girl get together with a zoo animal!"

"Why is my name on the damn list? Why is the _Shogun's_ name on that list?"

Shinpachi sighed.

"Well, feeding Kagura-chan takes a small fortune, and the only people we know who can afford it are either in the _Shinsengumi_ , or in the Edo Castle itself. So, the _Shogun_."

"Are you mad?" Hijikata picked himself up from the floor. He lit a new cigarette, the last one being crushed when he fell, tobacco scattered around and paper crushed beneath his chair. "We can't ask the _Shogun_ to go out with China girl."

"Hey, are you implying my daughter isn't good enough? She may be a loud gluttonous troublemaker who picks her nose a lot, sics her giant dog on people she doesn't like and beats them to death when it doesn't work… And - her brother may be the biggest criminal in the galaxy…" Gintoki trailed off, Hijikata looking at him with a deadpan expression.

"You'll do it, Mayora."

"Wh- Hey! There's still Kondo-san on the list! Why the hell am I the one to do it?"

"Like hell I'm letting Kagura date a hairy, good for nothing stalker! You're gonna do it!"

"Sougo will kill me! He almost did when I even tried to talk to him about her!"

"You're the Demon Vice-Chief, aren't you? Deal with it."

"Hijikata-san," Shinpachi butted in. "It's only to make Kagura see there are more fish in the sea, right? Just take her attention away from Okita-san and it will be enough."

Hijikata gave an annoyed sigh, massaging his forehead. Thinking it through, dealing with a pissed off Sougo was easier than to deal with him and China girl combined with a little devil running around, trying to blow his head off with her father. He shuddered.

"Fine. I'll do it."

* * *

Nothing _too_ bad could come out of it, right?

On retrospect, they really hadn't thought this through. How the hell was he supposed to take her away from Sougo? He didn't even know how to flirt. He was too busy chasing down criminals to make time for romance.

Well, she and Sougo always fought, didn't they? So she didn't have much experience with it either. But she was a young woman, and all young women wanted to be taken to dates, given flowers and gifts and all that shit, right? He was sure Sougo did none of that. _'Except from that thing with a bouquet with a dagger inside it. What kind of man tries to kill his girlfriend with flowers?'_

Before he could think about how he would breach the subject with Kagura, he saw her with Sougo, eating ramen in Sougo's favourite restaurant. He observed them for a few minutes, and as expected their lunch abruptly became a shouting match and Kagura stormed off after bringing her umbrella down onto Sougo's head. Hijikata could hear the slam from where he stood 20 meters away.

' _This is my chance_ ,' he thought and ran to catch up to Kagura. She was walking fast, her annoyance obvious in her fast pace and her muttering under her breath.

"Hey, China girl." Hijikata called out. Kagura stopped and turned around with a frown on her face.

"What do you want, Mayora? Don't you have to intimidate your minions or something?"

"They're _subordinates_ , not minions! And I don't intimidate them."

"Yeah, uh-huh. So what do you want?"

Hijikata paused, thinking how to go through with it. Finding nothing, he decided to deploy his only tactic.

He looked at Kagura with half lidded eyes, startling her. He pushed her back against the closest wall and pulled a flower from the bush at his side.

"Forget about that red eyed sadistic bastard and be mine instead, Kagura."

Kagura spluttered, speechless. A furious blush rose to her cheeks unbidden.

' _Bingo.'_ Thought Hijikata, taking a hand down from the wall to take her smaller one and raising it to his lips to lay a kiss on her knuckles.

His lips met cold metal instead. Feeling a dark aura behind him, he raised his eyes and saw Sougo glaring at him with darkened eyes.

"You have three seconds to get away from her, Hijikata-san. Or I won't be responsible for my actions."

Hijikata immediately dropped Kagura's hand, drawing away a few steps. A tiny shudder travelled up his spine.

"I thought my warning had been clear, but apparently not. I'll do the mercy of letting you choose which dumpster you're going to end up in." Sougo said, raising his sword.

' _God damn it.'_ Hijikata thought, regretting ever responding to that emergency call.

* * *

Gintoki sat across Hijikata, who had come to the _Yorozuya_ banged up. He watched with disinterested eyes as he held an ice pack against his swollen black eye, wincing every time he moved it.

"So you're saying you flirted with Kagura-chan, Okita-san came in between and dragged you to an alley, beat you unconscious and left you there?"

"Ugh."

"It's worse than we thought. What are we going to do, Gin-san?"

They sat in thoughtful silence for a few moments. Hijikata shifted his ice pack.

"No choice. We have to get rid of Soichiro-kun. Do you know any good places to dump bodies, Patsuan?"

"Why would I know where to dump a body? And we can't kill Okita-san!"

"Why the hell not? We would be doing the mankind a favour."

"You can't kill an officer of law, bastard." said Hijikata.

"And Kagura-chan would get upset! Do you remember what happened the last time she got upset?" Shinpachi added.

She had eaten two months' worth of food in four days while bursting into tears without cause, Shinpachi making grocery runs every two hours. They couldn't pay rent for months after that.

"Okay. No killing Soichiro, then. How about Kamui? We could tell him and he would be here in no time."

"He would kill Okita-san! We said no killing!"

"Ah, true. What a siscon, that boy. He reminds me of you, Glasses."

"I'm not a siscon!"

"Whatever. What else?"

Hijikata grunted.

"How about we assign Sougo on a long mission? Preferably a lifetime."

"Again, the same outcome." said Shinpachi.

"Well, how about-"

Gintoki's sentence was interrupted by Kagura slamming the door open with tears in her eyes and running to her – Gintoki's – room without a glance at them.

The three men fell silent, looking at the direction she disappeared, then stared at each other with bemused eyes.

"No." said Shinpachi.

"Yes!" exclaimed Gintoki. "There's only one thing that can make a girl her age cry like that! All our problems have been solved. Now I just have to comfort her, give her all the food she wants and soon she'll forget all about Soichiro-kun and be back to normal in a week!"

"Doesn't this seem a little too convenient?" Hijikata stood up.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Mayora."

"That's what the Trojans did and look what happened to them!"

"Shut up and shoo! I have a daughter to comfort." Gintoki said, walking away to knock on his room's door.

Shinpachi sighed.

"This will end in tears. And probably explosions."

* * *

 **Notes:**

So I really don't know where to go with this, hahaha!

If you have any ideas or requests, I'm open to them :)


	2. Chapter 2

When Gintoki entered his room, he expected to see Kagura wailing, sobbing, letting out a river of tears that would drown a grown man. After all, that's what all those girls in Kagura's soap operas did, right? Instead he was met with her curled up on his _futon_ with her back to the door, shoulders trembling and letting out tiny hiccups.

He thought he should have just let Shinpachi handle it. After all, Shinpachi was the most emotionally competent one between the three of them.

' _I really didn't think this through,_ ' he thought, and hesitantly cleared his throat.

Kagura curled up even tighter, her hiccups stopping suddenly. But Gintoki could still see her shoulders shake.

' _Ah, hell.'_

He sat down on the _futon_ with a sigh. He raised a hand, indecisive for a moment, then let it drop on her upper arm.

Gintoki knew Kagura was never one to turn away from love others offered her. Even if she tried to put on a front, he knew she would cave in, at most, a minute.

Kagura turned and threw her arms around Gintoki's middle, just as predicted. He smiled a little, and run his hand through her bright hair. Staying like that until Kagura's sobs subsided, he stayed silent. She would tell him in her own time.

After a few more minutes, Kagura calmed herself down listening to Gintoki's heartbeat.

"Gin-chan."

"Hmm?"

Kagura didn't say anything for a few moments, relishing the fingers softly running though her hair.

"You were right. Men are pigs."

Gintoki let out a chuckle, Kagura's arms wounding tighter around him.

"You know you can talk to Gin-chan about anything, Kagura."

Kagura felt herself tearing up again.

"I thought he was happy fighting with me, like I was with him, Gin-chan! All these years we – I didn't need anything else! And I thought he felt the same way – we – then he…"

Kagura felt tears running down her cheeks again, no matter how hard she tried to stop them. A choked sob made its way up her chest, her throat constricting.

Gintoki's hand stopped for a moment, fury rising like a tide, threatening to overwhelm him and he barely kept himself from knocking down the _Shinsengumi_ 's door and killing that boy right then and there. His hand rested on her back where her untied hair lay.

"He said he found himself a new – new _plaything_! And he didn't want me anymore!"

With that, the sobs Kagura had pushed down with difficulty returned full force. She clung onto Gintoki, tears staining his clothes, and let it out.

"It hurts, Gin-chan! I'm not wounded, but it hurts so much!"

Gintoki didn't say anything, because there wasn't anything to be said. He let her cling onto him and cry until her tears finally dried and she fell asleep with red cheeks and swollen eyes.

"Damn you, Sougo." He said quietly, as not to wake her. He felt the fury he had been suppressing for Kagura's sake overflow, itching to do _something_ , anything at all. But his little girl was in pain, and she always came first. He sat there unmoving not to wake her up, and stood guard.

* * *

Hijikata's mind was full of questions as he made his way through the _Shinsengumi_ compound. What could make a beast like China girl that upset? Sure, he thought she would get sad if she and Sougo had problems, but that? That was something else. And seeing Sougo so protective of her, on edge when she was even mentioned, it was hard to think that he would do anything to upset her. Other than their usual taunts and verbal fights, that is.

He made his way to the training grounds, looking forward to blowing off some steam after that damn alleyway yesterday.

He found the First Division occupying the training grounds for their morning session. Sougo was walking through the field, weaving around the men while shouting instructions. Hijikata would let him continue torturing – training - the men, but their pleading eyes and sweat soaked shirts convinced him otherwise. Not to mention, the Sadist King shouting was an unnerving thing to witness.

He walked up to Sougo and put his hand on his shoulder, ignoring the glare Sougo sent his way.

"Everyone, go take a break and report to Yamazaki for your midnight patrol routes. Dismissed!"

Their responding "Yes, sir," was almost unintelligible due to the exhausted groans they involuntarily let out. He watched them drag their feet towards the communal showers, and turned to Sougo.

"Report to the Commander's office after lunch."

With one last, annoyed glare, Sougo sharply turned around to march to Kondo's office.

Hijikata sighed, worn out by the events of the past few days. He lit a cigarette. _'This has to end, as soon as possible.'_

* * *

"Toushiro says you've been troubled lately, Sougo."

Sougo directed a harsh look at Hijikata where he stood to the right and slightly behind Kondo.

' _Goddamn Mayora, poking his nose into places he shouldn't._ '

Sougo sat up straight, careful not to let any emotions reflect on his face. Kondo was an exceptionally intuitive man, and he knew any weakness on his part would be noticed and exploited.

"I assure you, there is no such thing and anything Hijikata-san has said has been caused by mayonnaise induced hallucinations."

Kondo hummed, gazing intently at Sougo, trying to make something of his expressionless face.

"I heard you've been driving our recruits into the ground."

"Those cherry boys need training, Kondo-san. We should be in best shape in case of an attack."

"So you have no other motives or causes?"

"No, I don't."

Kondo hummed again, leaning back on his seat while Hijikata stood restlessly next to him. He scrutinized Sougo, looking for anything out of place. The sun was on its downward turn, slowly giving way to afternoon. Its glare hit Sougo from the back, illuminating his hair and making it look lighter.

' _Yeah_ ,' Kondo thought, ' _that's_ _it_.'

"Hijikata, check on the recruits, will you?"

Hijikata didn't move, indecisive, but he couldn't disregard orders. With a furrow of his brows, he turned to exit.

"So you're having troubles with Kagura-san."

Sougo started, his façade cracking for only a fraction of a second, and Kondo wouldn't have caught it if he hadn't been looking for it. Fortunately, he had.

"There is nothing between us that would cause me distress."

"Ah. I see. Why did you break up?"

"What? We weren't – we never had a relationship to break off, Kond-"

"You don't have to lie, Sougo. I knew you had a thing going on."

Sougo gaped at Kondo. That man was _dangerous_.

"How could you know that we broke up?"

"Well, it's afternoon, and around this time you already would have been at the park to slack off and meet Kagura-san. Your being in the compounds, and taking your anger out on your subordinates clued me in. I've known you since you were little, Sougo. I know when you're alright and when you're not."

Sougo felt his mask crumbling under his father figure's knowing gaze. He took a shallow breath, trying to maintain some semblance of indifference.

"Do you want to tell me? It's alright if you don't."

Sougo looked down to the floorboards, Kondo's eyes too kind and too aware, and tried to decide.

He had always tried to conceal his emotions, because emotions were weaknesses that enemies used for their gain. But could he hide them from Kondo? He was one of the three people he loved unconditionally, and even the thought of lying to him made shame sink like a stone in his stomach. He couldn't do that.

"I… We - we broke up. Yesterday."

Sougo cringed, the words burning his tongue, and it felt awkward to say it out loud.

"Yes. Why did you break up?"

Sougo pondered for a moment, trying to decide how to say it.

"Kondo-san."

"What is it, Sougo?"

"Remember the mission I was sent to two weeks ago?"

"Yes. There wasn't anything abnormal in your report. I thought it had been cleanly dealt with."

"I thought so, too." Sougo said, slightly shifting in his seat. "I was wrong. Two days ago, there was an attack-"

Kondo stiffened, eyes going sharp.

"I was going to file a report today. There were about twenty-five attackers, I managed to question one of them. Apparently, the rogue _Shinsengumi_ faction established a connection with other factions against the government, and the sect we took out alerted the others."

"Did you take them on by yourself?"

Sougo shifted in his seat.

"China was with me. We managed to take most of them down before they fled."

Kondo furrowed his brows.

"I expect a full report by tomorrow. Though… What does this have to do with you breaking up?"

Sougo looked down to his hands, fiddling with the handle of his sword. He swallowed with difficulty.

"She… She got hurt."

Kondo looked at the young man sitting in front of him. His answer was in plain sight; in his slightly slumped shoulders, in his downward gaze, his quiet voice. He looked his age, that moment. He looked like a naïve, heartbroken little boy, just like he had back _then_.

"Alright, Sougo. You're dismissed."

Sougo stood up, straightening his jacket and fixing his expression with some difficulty. With a respectful "Commander." he was out of the room.

* * *

When Sougo finally arrived at his quarters, looking forward to sleeping the day away and stop _thinking_ , he found Hijikata standing at his doorway. Oddly, he had neither the energy nor the will to mess with his superior. Without even acknowledging him, he slid open his door and went into his room.

Hijikata's hand stopped him from closing the door fully. He wouldn't go away without getting what he wanted. _'Damn stubborn Mayora.'_

Sliding open the door halfway, Sougo looked at him with irritation crossing his face.

"What do you want, bastard?"

Hijikata scowled.

"Aren't you going to let me in?"

Barely withholding a growl, Sougo slammed the door open. Turning around, he took off his jacket and threw it on the chair by his desk.

Hijikata entered the room, closing the door behind him with a soft thump. He looked at Sougo, who was taking off his scarf with harsh movements.

"What did you do to the _Yorozuya_ girl?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Hijikata would believe him, if not for the tiny tensing of Sougo's shoulders. Damn, why was it so hard to talk about emotions? _'Grow a spine, Toushiro.'_

"Is that so? I guess she came barging into _Yorozuya_ crying her heart out because she dropped her ice cream or something, huh? My bad."

Sougo froze, his scarf wrinkling in his hands which had formed tight fists. Hijikata waited for him to speak, leaning back on the wall behind him. After a few tense moments, throwing his scarf on the desk, Sougo gave in.

"She… She was crying?"

"Yeah. You really must have done a number on her. What did you _do_ , Sougo?"

Sougo stayed silent for a some time, debating whether to tell Hijikata or not. He had already revealed it to Kondo, did he have to tell him as well? He hated the thought of displaying his emotions in front of him, it felt like handing Hijikata a sword and turning his back to wait for him to strike. But, he knew his Vice-Commander wouldn't give up until he got answers. He knew that look, the one that said he wanted results and wouldn't stop until he got them.

If he didn't tell him now, he would learn about it when he filed his report, anyways. He glared at the scarf lying on the desk.

When he finally spoke, what he said was nowhere near what Hijikata expected.

"I always despised you for turning down my sister for your duty, Hijikata-san. I despised how much you hurt her, just so you could do your job. It wasn't like you couldn't have both, right?"

He took his eyes off the desk he was staring holes into, meeting Hijikata's dark ones with a weary sigh. If Hijikata hadn't known Sougo for as long as he had, he wouldn't see any difference in his expression, but he did. The normally deadpan, unfeeling face he had gotten so used to seeing almost looked remorseful.

"But… I think I understand now. You did it to protect her, didn't you?"

"Sougo-"

"You knew that you didn't have a choice. You knew if you got together, your demons wouldn't just come after you, but her as well."

Hijikata couldn't tear his gaze away from Sougo's eyes. He could count the times he had seen this many emotions reflect on his eyes with the fingers of a hand.

Sougo caved in first, looking away and turning towards the door with a barely noticeable slump of his shoulders. He didn't want to be in that room anymore, it was too small, too stifling. The air threatened to choke him with its intensity.

Hijikata's solemn tone froze him in his tracks.

"I will forever regret not taking the chance to be with her."

A sigh, barely shaky, rose from Hijikata's chest. It was an old wound, but one that would never go away. One that would twinge forever.

He averted his eyes from Sougo's back, turning his head slightly to look at the trees in the compound, from the open screen door leading to the central garden. Spring had arrived, bringing with it the smell of honeycombs and orange blossoms.

 _New life. New beginnings._

"You know what she went through better than me. I prioritized her safety above her happiness, when I could protect her just as well while being near her, and my choice took its toll on all of us."

His throat constricted. Taking a few shallow breaths to calm himself, he lit a cigarette. Taking a drag, he relished in the bitter burn of nicotine on the back of his throat, and exhaled. After a few more breaths, he felt himself calm down a bit, he continued.

"You have an advantage no one else in _Shinsengumi_ has. If your demons come after her, or your duty endangers her, she can fight for herself. She can fight with you. _For_ you. Most men have to give up their happiness for the force, Sougo. But you -of all people- have a chance. Don't let it slip from your fingers."

* * *

Kagura woke up the next day lying on her side, still tired, with her nose clogged and her eyes swollen. Groaning and turning around in the _futon_ , the arm she had been lying on numb and with a pounding headache, she tried to go back to sleep. She tried to get comfortable, keeping her eyes closed, but she couldn't fall back into slumber, the morning sun reflecting on her eyes. She settled for lying on the _futon_ and listening to the sounds of the house.

She could hear the usual rumble of the bar downstairs, and Sadaharu's paws pattering on the floorboards occasionally. Shinpachi must have been making tea, the heady fragrance of brewed leaves and his stepping on that creaky spot in the kitchen giving it away. Lulled into a state between sleep and being awake, she was pulled back to alertness when she heard the hushed but urgent tones of Gintoki and Shinpachi. They were arguing.

Pulling herself up from the _futon_ as silently as possible, Kagura crept up to the kitchen, having already memorized the creaky floorboards and avoiding them nimbly. Keeping herself close to the wall of the corridor, she strained to hear their hushed voices.

"-and I don't know how to deal with a heartbroken young – young _lady_! Because that's what she is now, Shinpachi, and I don't know what to do!"

"Calm down, Gin-san. We will find a way. We always do."

"Can you believe it though? The nerve of that guy! How dare he say that to her – no, you know what? I changed my mind. I'm going to kill him."

"Hey – hey! Gin-san! We talked about this, remember? If you kill him she will be upset-"

"She's already upset, you damn Glasses! And that was when they were still together. She'll be alright if I kill him now."

"Good morning." Kagura said, finally making her way into the kitchen. She sat next to Gintoki, stealing his cup and taking a sip. She felt herself relax, the warm liquid soothing her headache a little. Shinpachi always made the best damn tea.

"Ah! Kagura-chan. You're awake. How do you feel?"

It wasn't an unusual question, especially coming from Shinpachi, the designated 'mommy' of the _Yorozuya_.

The unusual thing was, seconds after Shinpachi's question, Kagura stared at him for a few moments and abruptly burst into tears, choking on her tea.

Shinpachi startled, hands immediately going for some napkins while babbling incoherently.

"I'm sorry, Kagura-chan! What did I say? I said something wrong, didn't I? Oh god, please stop crying-"

Gintoki suddenly stood up, his stance tense.

"That's it. Brew another pot of tea, Shinpachi. I'll be back for it after I take care of someone."

"Wait, Gin-san!"

Before Kagura could even move a muscle, Gintoki shot out of the kitchen like lightning, disappearing out of the door in a matter of seconds. Shinpachi was left half out of his seated position with his arm outstretched, as if to hold onto Gintoki's clothes to keep him from leaving.

They both stared at the now open door, the breeze making its way into the house.

Kagura sniffled, calling Sadaharu to her and burrowing to his side.

* * *

 _Shinsengumi'_ s usually quiet mornings, only broken by the early training sessions that took place, was disturbed by Gintoki nearly knocking the gates of the compound down, demanding to see the First Division Captain.

The guards situated at the gates tried to ask for his name and for what reason he came, as per procedure, but were silenced by a wooden sword at their necks and a sharp glare.

"You. The one with the shitty haircut. Open the door and lead me to where your Captain is."

The shitty haircut guy trembled, forced to choose between imminent death by a wooden sword and a delayed one by the hands of his Captain.

He chose to die by a metal sword. At least it would be more honorable.

* * *

Sougo was tired of explaining what he had done to basically everyone he knew. God, who knew they would be so angry about them breaking up? Faced with a pissed off Gintoki, hand poised to strike _Lake Toya_ at any moment, he thought maybe he should have held a press conference when they separated, or something. Or told China the truth. At least people who talked to him about it would be invited, and not knock down doors or make him gush all his – his _emotions_.

And he was tired of talking about emotions. Thrice in two days? It was a new record.

Amidst Gintoki's furious babbling, about how he was going to skin him alive, some profanities sprinkled in between, Sougo accepted his fate. He would have to talk about it again. _Ugh_.

Holding up his hands, he finally spoke.

" _Danna_. You can't tell her what I'm about to tell you."

"Why the hell not, you little bastard? Do you have any idea how much she's hurting right now?"

"Listen-"

"Don't tell me to listen! How dare you-!"

"I'm trying to protect her from coming to harm again, _Danna_!"

Sougo rarely raised his voice, but the frustration and worry were bubbling inside him and Gintoki had just broken the dam.

Gintoki started in surprise, having never heard Sougo speak in anything louder than his monotone, emotionless timbre.

"What do you mean, _again_?"

"Remember a few days ago, when China came home limping?"

"How the _fuck_ do you know about that?" Gintoki almost growled.

"I know, because I was the reason she was like that."

A hundred scenarios went through Gintoki's head in the span of half a second, most of them involving handcuffs, whips and other various accessories he had never wanted to associate with his little daughter. His eyes burned, blood draining from his head at a rate that left him dizzy.

"You sadistic- You monster! You took my little girl's innocence, and just admitted to your crime! You must have a death wish, which I am happy to grant, _right now_."

Sougo gaped at Gintoki, not comprehending just what made Gintoki this furious.

Gintoki charged at him, Sougo narrowly dodging _Lake Toya._ He hesitantly looked down. _Lake Toya_ was lodged into the wooden floorboards of his room, creating a large hole. If hit, it would definitely crack his skull. He looked back up in dread. Raising his hands and backing away a little, he tried to reason with him.

"Danna-"

"Shut up, you fiend! You- you sexual deviant! How dare you corrupt my Kagura-chan!"

"She was pretty damn corrupted before I even got to her, really. You should stop leaving your porn lying around-"

Gintoki let out a half furious and half horrified roar, intent on killing the damn Prince of Sadists. ' _For Kagura-chan!'_

Sougo dove for his sword, unsheathing it and blocking Gintoki's blow in breakneck speed. He was in for it, this time.

' _I should really learn to hold my mouth,_ ' was his last thought before all he could focus on was survival.

* * *

 **Notes:**

Comedy is really hard to write, I always keep shifting to angst somehow ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Thank you very much for your reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

Yamazaki had thought the training sessions when the Captain and China-san had had a fight was hell on earth. It had felt like Satan himself had risen from his fiery domain to personally ensure that their arms fell off after rigorously swinging their swords for hours on no end. He had thought that it couldn't get any worse than that.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Sougo paced the grounds with his usual, slow tempo, with a slight hint of annoyance on his face that only Yamazaki could detect, with how often he had been forced to spy on his Captain. He only inspected their stances and the way they held their swords, paying no heed to their panting or pleading, desperate looks shot to him by them.

Yamazaki risked a glance at the gates of the grounds when Sougo's back was turned to him, hoping to get a glimpse of his Vice-Commander. He had spared them before, so he could just pop out of nowhere and end their misery, right?

Well, apparently not. After countless minutes of swinging his sword, Yamazaki could feel his arms burning, body overheated and his shirt drenched in sweat, and the tiny hope of Hijikata turning up dwindling down to nothing.

Yamazaki accepted his fate with a groan, which got lost among the other men's grumbles, forced out of them by their efforts and tight lungs. They were to stay there, until either the Captain got tired of giving them instructions with insults scattered between and let them go to take a nap, or someone collapsed from oxygen depletion or dehydration. Whichever came first.

The latter happened first, fortunately. Or unfortunately. Yamazaki detachedly watched a man drop so much like a sack of potatoes. He didn't dare move in case the Captain decided that collateral damage was acceptable and kept up with this, this _torture_ , and made them keep going. If he got even more pissed off, it was possible he would skip his nap and they would have to go on until they all dropped to the ground like flies. He tiredly held his arms still, trembling with the effort.

Sougo looked at the man unconscious on the ground for a moment, then at the men holding their swords up with red faces twisted up in pain, staying still only by sheer will. Yamazaki prayed that he would take pity on them.

Well, maybe pity was unlikely, but he knew his Captain. If it was possible, he would want to avoid any paperwork and heart to hearts with the Commander, which would be imminent if even more people were to fall unconscious and had to be taken to the infirmary. He would let them go.

He counted the seconds, and just like he thought, the Captain dismissed them with;

"Incompetent trash. You," he pointed at the closest two men to the one lying on the ground, "take him to the infirmary. If you can't lift him up, drag him. Dismissed."

He turned to go and take his nap, presumably, ignoring the pained groans rumbling behind him.

Yamazaki sank to the ground, his arms finally free to drop to his sides. They were numb, muscles involuntarily convulsing. Seems everyone else had the same idea, as they all immediately let their trembling legs collapse, some directly lying down on the dirt.

Yamazaki saw a few men poking the unconscious one, with no reaction.

"Hey, you think he's dead?" one of them asked.

"Dunno man," said another, "it'd be better for him if he is. We're gonna feel this for day, I tell you."

"Whose arms are these?" Someone said up from his place lying on the ground, tiredly flailing his arms.

If Yamazaki had the energy, he would smack himself in the face. As it was, he just let his head drop back to stare at the sky with a groan.

He had to talk with the Vice-Commander. The Captain was insufferable at the best of times, and now he didn't have China-san to spend time and pent up energy with, he was even _worse_. They _had_ to get back together as soon as possible.

His mind made up, he tried to push himself up to his feet and promptly fell back on his ass.

' _First thing_ ,' he decided, ' _after_ I _can feel my legs again._ '

* * *

Gintoki kept turning the information he had gotten the previous night over and over in his head, conflicted. He understood the boy's reasons, even if he thought they were absolute bullshit. Kagura was strong, she could take care of herself. But she was as thoughtless as she was strong, when it came to fighting.

" _I couldn't tell her, Danna,"_ Sougo had said, " _She would want to get involved, if she knew that they were coming after me."_

It was true, Gintoki couldn't deny it. And he understood if she was hurt because of Sougo, the boy wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

" _I'm the only one who is allowed to hurt her._ " He had said.

What a messed-up pair they were.

He had patted Sougo on the shoulder, kind of uncomfortable that he was (maybe?) feeling sympathy to an unfeeling, sadistic little brat.

" _Is it better for her to be miserable and safe, or both of you to be happy and fight side by side, like you always do?_ " he had said, knowing words were abundant in a situation like this and the boy had to think it through.

Sougo hadn't responded, a slight frown marring his face. Gintoki, feeling like it was his cue to leave, had patted him on the back twice and turned towards the door.

" _Happiness isn't an easy thing to find it, kid. When,_ if _you find it, you have to fight for it, not let it slip from your grasp_."

* * *

Hijikata was on patrol duty, unaware of the torment his men were going through back in the compounds. It wasn't something he would usually do, patrol being something Sougo requested – he was overqualified for it too, but it was easier to slack off outside the _Shinsengumi_ – but the possibility of the rogue faction coming after Sougo again had made Kondo assign him to patrol duty.

It was peaceful, not having to terrify his men out of their minds, dodge the traps Sougo had set up for him and be on guard all the time in case he decided to attack out of nowhere and smoke without anyone telling him to go outside. He thought maybe he should go on patrol more often.

The tranquility of the day was disturbed by a distant ruckus; he heard yells and clang of weapons clash from an alley a block ahead of him. He frowned and ran towards the source, his hand on his sword to be able to pull it out at any moment.

He burst into the alley, quickly assessing the situation. There were about fifteen men standing with various weaponry, some sporting swords while some had guns – and was that a grenade launcher, what the _fuck_ – with about ten more sprawled on the ground with blood pooling beneath them.

He was about to interfere, thinking it must be a gang fight or a deal gone wrong, when a flash of bright, orange-ish hair flashed from the end of the alleyway and with the sound of rapid gunfire, four more men fell with screams of pain.

Kagura jumped, kicking one of her assailants while knocking out another two with her parasol. Hijikata swore and pulled out his sword, dashing forward to help her take them down.

It didn't take them long to dispose of their adversaries, in a short few minutes, Hijikata was cleaning his sword clean of the blood on one of the men's clothes while Kagura was standing on another, poking him with the tip of her umbrella. They both had minor scrapes and cuts, blood slowly dripping from Kagura's knuckles.

"Who do you work for?" she demanded, hand on the trigger of her parasol and an angry grimace on her face, "the Yakuza? You can tell them if they come near me again I will shove this so far up their asses it will come out of their mouths! You hear me, you piece of shit?"

The man didn't respond, nervously looking at the tip of the umbrella she was threatening him with.

"Hey, China girl. Calm down."

Hijikata walked up to where she was, putting a hand on her shoulder. He glared at the man Kagura was still squishing with the heel of her flat shoe.

"What do you want, Mayora? Gonna try to hit on me with one of your weird ass pick up lines?"

Hijikata startled, and pulled her off the man and towards the closest wall for some privacy.

"What? No! I just saved you and that's the first thing you say?"

"What do you mean 'saved me'? I had it covered!"

"Well, if I hadn't blocked that sword coming at you from behind you could be at the hospital right now!"

"Then if I hadn't taken out those two that were about to run you through you would be in your grave right now!"

"Um," the conscious man had poked a friend of his awake. They were both watching their back and forth with bewildered looks.

"The miss is right, she was wrecking us by herself just fine."

"Ha!" Kagura shouted, pleased by the support.

"Besides, is this really the place for a lovers' quarrel?" the second one piped up. "We just attacked you with the intent to kill, after all."

Kagura spluttered.

"What? He's not my lover! I mean, look at him! How could he be with someone as beautiful as me? I'm a luxury only few can afford."

The second one looked interested.

"So you don't have a boyfriend? Or girlfriend, maybe?"

Kagura looked stricken for a moment, then shook it off. At Kagura's nod, the man pushed himself up to sit and took out a pen from an inner pocket.

"Hey man, do you have any paper?" the man asked Hijikata.

Confused, Hijikata shook his head negative, wondering how an attack in an alley turned into this.

The man shrugged and with a painful grimace, stood up to walk over to Kagura. He held his hand up, wiggling his fingers, and seeing he didn't look like he was going to attack her, Kagura held her hand out too.

He grasped her wrist, not minding the blood staining her hand and quickly scrabbled a series of number on her forearm.

"That's me. If you wanna, you know, meet without trying to kill each other, call me, yeah?"

Kagura looked at the man with a more careful eye. He had a good figure and was definitely handsome, disregarding the blood covering his face. The blood that she had spilled. Meh.

"Sorry, but I don't date men who are weaker than me."

Hijikata stared at the first man, who was still on the ground, staring at his friend with disbelief. He looked up to meet Hijikata's eyes, both mouthing ' _What the fuck?_ ' in sync.

"Ah, that's a shame," the handsome one said, "I'm more of a lover than a fighter, if you know what I mean."

Hijikata, deciding enough was enough, stepped closer to Kagura and pulled her closer to himself by her arm.

"Hey, back off. She's taken."

Kagura shook his hand off.

"You back off! I'm a single, independent woman! You can't decide for me."

Hijikata took her arm again. He leaned down closer to her ear.

"If you ever meet this guy, I'll get Sougo to follow you and sic him on this man."

Kagura let out a bitter chuckle.

"Are you high, Mayora? He doesn't care." She said in a subdued voice, looking at the ground. "He said he found himself a new plaything."

"He said _what_? Are you sure he said that?"

"Yes. Now shut up. They'll start to wake up soon. Won't you arrest them?"

It was a cheap way to change the topic but it was also true. Some of them were stirring, groaning in pain, and with a put-out sigh Hijikata took out his communicator to call for backup.

The squad cars arrived in four minutes, quickly cuffing the men and getting them into the cars to take them to the headquarters.

The handsome one waved at Kagura with his cuffed arms from inside the car he was in, mouthing ' _call me_ ' and making a phone sign with his hand, then they were off. Kagura and Hijikata were left staring at the dust the cars raised behind them.

"Ugh."

"Well, he may be a criminal but I have to say I admire his determination."

"Fuck off, Mayora." Kagura said, turning to go. "That was enough for today, I'm going home."

"Hey, wait," Hijikata said, "What did you mean when you said Sougo told you that he found a new plaything?"

"Ugh. Do we have to talk about this?"

"Yes, we do. Tell me what you meant."

"Ugh."

"That was too many 'ugh's."

"It's a too many 'ugh' situation." Kagura said, finally turning to him. "I meant exactly what I said. That's what he said when he broke up with me."

Hijikata facepalmed. He took a breath to calm himself.

"And? What else did he say?"

"That he didn't want me anymore and to keep away from him." Kagura said with a blank face, her voice devoid of any emotion.

"Ugh."

"Yeah. Ugh."

* * *

"Kagura-chan!"

Taking in her bloodied clothes and knuckles, her clothes ripped in various places, Shinpachi rushed over to Kagura where she was taking off her shoes in the doorway.

"Oh no, what happened? Did you get into a fight with a crocodile again?"

"Do these look like teeth marks, you idiot!"

"Oh. Then the mafia?"

Kagura shrugged.

"I don't know. They didn't tell me."

Putting her parasol to its usual place by the door, she walked to the living room and sank into the couch with a weary sigh. Shinpachi reappeared with a first aid kit and started cleaning her knuckles.

"How many were there?"

"About twenty-five or something? I didn't count."

"And you didn't run?"

Kagura shook her head, staring out of the window.

"Kagura-chan! That's too many to take on alone!"

"Shut your mouth, Glasses! Mayora swung by and helped me."

"But was he there when it started?"

Kagura shrugged again. Shinpachi sighed, covering her knuckles with gauze.

"Take off your shirt. There's a gash on your side."

Kagura did as he said, turning sideways to give him easier access. She hissed at the first touch of the distilled water soaked cloth, but Shinpachi was used to it. He cleaned her wound with ease born of practice, spreading some antibiotic cream on it covering it with a plaster.

They sat in silence for a few moments, the quiet clanking of Shinpachi putting the first aid supplies back into its box the only sound in the room.

"Get some rest, Kagura-chan. I'll wake you up for dinner."

Kagura stood up and went to Gintoki's room without a response. Shinpachi rubbed his temples to ward of the oncoming headache, and got up to put the first aid kit to its usual place in the bathroom.

* * *

Yamazaki, after finally gathering his courage and energy, made his way to the Vice-Commander's office to talk about The Problem™. Before he could even knock the door, it swept open.

Yamazaki froze when he saw Hijikata's more pissed off than usual expression, with his hand poised to knock.

"Oh. Yamazaki," said Hijikata, still holding the door open, "What do you want? I've got things to do."

"Vi-Vice-Commander, sir, um," he said. Talking to a pissed off Hijikata was like walking through a densely-laid minefield; you never knew where to step and any wrong movement could end up with you in pieces.

"What? And put down your hand. You look stupid."

Yamazaki hurriedly stuck his hand to his side, swallowing nervously.

"U-um, Vice-Commander, I have to talk to you about Captain Okita, sir."

Hijikata sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Not now, Yamazaki. I have to go-"

Hijikata abruptly stopped talking, contemplating the nervous man in front of him.

"On another thought," said Hijikata, turning Yamazaki around by his shoulder, "you're coming with me. You're good at reading people, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir," Yamazaki fiddled with his jacket sleeves, "I have to be, to be a good spy."

"Good, then. We're going to an interrogation. I want you to stay on the other side of the mirror and tell me whenever you suspect someone is lying, got it?"

"Yes, sir!" said Yamazaki. The Problem™ had to be solved some other time.

* * *

Their usual gimmick in interrogation was Hijikata would be the bad cop, and Kondo would be the good cop, they would go in together, Hijikata would threaten them in various ways while Kondo held him back, sat there with his usual bubbliness and offered them lightened sentences, or quick deaths. They even had a monthly deal going on; whoever cracked more people would be treated dinner by the other. Hijikata always won the bet.

This time though, when they learned that the men were sent by the rogue faction to capture Kagura with the intention to use her against Sougo, which in turn would allow them to deal with the leaders of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata had to physically hold Kondo down to stop him from killing the man right then and there. Maybe he may have let some punches slip and Kondo may have burst the man's lip and blackened his eye. And he may have failed to stop Kondo from choking him for a few minutes while looking for his lighter. Accidentally.

After pulling Kondo out of the room and sitting him down on a chair, patting him on the shoulder when he complained; _"Didn't you hear what they did to Sougo, Toushi! Our boy is_ sad _because of those bastards!"_ , he went back into the interrogation room with an earpiece with Yamazaki on the other end.

The man sitting handcuffed to the chair looked terrified, with blood dripping down his chin and purple marks starting to appear on his neck where Kondo almost squeezed the life out of him.

Hijikata lit a cigarette, simply staring at the man for a few moments. He took a drag of his cigarette, holding it in his lungs for a few moments and leaning down to blow the smoke on the man's face.

"I'll have you know I only took my colleague out because he would kill you _instantly_. And we don't want that, do we?" he said, looking at the man dead in the eye. "We want it to be _slow_."

The man swallowed the blood pooled in his mouth, not daring to move.

Hijikata straightened, taking another drag.

"Now, Ren, was it?"

He nodded quickly, not taking his eyes off Hijikata.

"Ren. You'll answer my questions simply and only say the truth. If you lie, I will know it. Clear?"

"Y-yes."

"Good. Now, tell me why you tried to take the girl."

"O-our boss wanted her to use her against the First Division Captain."

A crackle from his earpiece, then, _"He's telling the truth, Vice-Commander."_

"What made you think that he would care?"

Ren nervously chuckled.

"Well, if you had a babe like that, wouldn't you care?"

Hijikata slammed a hand on the table between them, gripping his collar to harshly pull his face closer and punched him in the face. Ren's wrists twisted in their cuffs, the punch catching the edge of his bruised eye and making him grunt in pain.

"Don't get cheeky with me, you piece of shit!"

"O-okay! Okay! Geez, man!"

Hijikata let him go, who dropped hard back into his chair.

"I won't ask again. Why did you think that it would get to him?"

"Our sources said that she's his weakness, and if we want him vulnerable we had to get her first."

Hijikata froze, ash falling from his cigarette to scatter on the ground.

"Our sources?"

"Yeah."

His patience wearing thin, Hijikata quickly walked around the table and put a hand on Ren's shoulder to keep him still. He glared at Ren, and put his cigarette out on his forearm.

Ren trashed in his seat, a cry ripping out of his throat. Hijikata let go of his shoulder to grasp his chin and turn his head, meeting Ren's pained eyes.

"I told you not to get cheeky. Now I'll light another cigarette, and this time," Hijikata trailed a finger down Ren's throat, stopping at his jugular notch, "I'll put it out right here."

He walked back to the other side of the table, pulling out another cigarette and lighting it, on which Ren's eyes stayed fixed.

"Who are your sources?"

Ren swallowed, hand instinctively trying to go to his throat. His hands only rose a few centimetres, making the cuffs jingle.

"A-a couple of men who survived the attack, they r-report-"

Hijikata, holding his smoke between his teeth, threw another punch, hitting him square in the jaw. He uncurled his fist and shook his hand.

"No one survived the attack, you moron! Try again."

Ren flexed his jaw, painful tingles making their way up and to his head.

"N-no, no! We had stationed some men around, in case something like th-that happened! We got our information from them! I swear!"

Hijikata stared the man down, nothing but fury in his expression. He looked Ren in the eye, walking around the table. He took a drag, and blew it out after a few seconds.

He was stalling for time.

Finally, a crackle from his earpiece, then, _"He's lying."_

Hijikata kept smoking his cigarette, not letting anything show on his face. Then he calmly walked over to Ren, grabbing his hair and pulling his head back.

Ren tried to flail his arms, trash his head but Hijikata's grip was too tight.

"No! No! I'm telling the truth, I swear! I swe-" his words were cut off by his scream, echoing in the small room. The smell of burnt skin and flesh was repulsive, but Hijikata had dealt with worse. He kept the filter in Ren's jugular notch until not a spark remained. He let it drop, inspecting his work. A deep red mark was burnt into the skin, the area around it rapidly swelling. It would leave a scar.

He straightened and let go of Ren's hair, who instinctively dropped his chin towards the burn to stop it from hurting, before realizing how stupid of an idea it was when it intensified and raised his head back.

Hijikata took out his lighter, turning the flint stone slowly. The scraping noise echoed in the room, mixed with Ren's pained moans.

"I'm neither a sadist, nor a pyromaniac. That would be the First Division Captain you're trying so hard to take. But you're _really_ testing my limits."

Hijikata leaned closer to him again, flicking his lighter and putting it between their faces. The flame reflected on Hijikata's steely expression, on Ren's wide, terrified eyes.

"I'll ask you again, and if you lie in my face, _again_ , I will cover every inch of you in burns. Slowly, with this lighter. And I will enjoy _every minute_ of it. Who. Are. Your. Sources."

"We - we have a mole! A mole!" he spluttered, tongue tangling up, trying to keep up with the speed he wanted to talk, "in Shinsengumi! He gives us our information!"

Hijikata waited.

Crackle. _"He's telling the truth."_

"What's his name? Tell me! His. Name!"

Ren unsuccessfully tried to twist his face away from the flame, spluttering.

"K-Kamiyama! His name is Kamiyama!

* * *

 **Notes:**

I have no idea how it turned out like this. I had intended for this story to be a short cutesy thing, and here we are.

The reason I chose Kamiyama is because that much of an obsession with someone's butt must be unhealthy, hahaha! I'm sure he has some ulterior motives.


	4. Chapter 4

"Kamiyama."

"That's what he said."

"That man – Ren, was it? – how did a man that weak get into the faction? Who gives up information this vital after a couple tiny burns? And that bluff about all the men being killed. It's like they don't even know what goes on in their previous operations."

"I wasn't expecting it either. I was just using it as a warm up, to be honest. I had already prepared my knives."

"Are you serious?"

"I'm always serious."

"…That's true. I haven't given up yet though, Toushi. You'll grow a sense of humor someday."

"Is that really what we should be talking about right now? We have a serious threat." said Hijikata, rubbing his temples.

Kondo grew serious.

"You're right. He's been with us for how many years now? Six?"

"Yeah. Who knows how many of the attacks we faced were caused by him."

"Hmm."

They both looked away. In an institution like this, being spied on was always a possibility, and every time it happened they had noticed sooner rather than later. Harboring one this long was a blow to both their prides.

"What are we going to do, Commander?"

Kondo looked thoughtful.

"We still have little idea of how big the rogue faction is. And if we execute him now, the sudden stop in information flow will make them wary and more likely to attack."

"That's true. But if he tells them we're training our troops, it's possible they will attack before we're ready."

"Well, Sougo has been rather brutal with his training sessions lately, hasn't he?" said Kondo. "And he's been restless too. We can just assign him more squads to train. No one will suspect anything."

"That's true. I'll put Yamazaki on his tail. We can limit the information given to him, but have to be very discreet."

"Yeah. We have to keep him from getting into the archives. I'll send him to outdoor assignments more. Yamazaki can tell us what he reports back to them. And only a select few can know about this. People who we know won't give it away."

"Who do we tell?"

"Sougo will know, of course. Tell Saitou too. You know how sad he gets when he feels excluded."

"Yeah. I can't put up with him looking all upset and nearly killing everyone in his sight again."

"Uh-huh."

"This might just work, Kondo-san." said Hijikata.

"And I can spend more time with Otae-san! This is a grea-"

Hijikata groaned, slapping one hand on his forehead, and the other on Kondo's mouth.

"God. I can't believe you're using this to-"

"Kondo took Hijikata's hand off his mouth, gripping his wrist.

"No, but Toushi! Listen. Sougo has been on edge since he and Kagura-chan broke up, right?"

"Yeah. So?"

"My soon to be brother-in-law says lately Kagura-chan hasn't been well either. And Otae-san and I have been thinking of how to get them back together. I even get to sit across her and talk instead of having to hide in the floorboards!"

"Wow. I can hear the wedding bells already." Said Hijikata dryly. For someone so emotionally perceptive, Kondo could be quite stupid sometimes.

"Right? And if Kagura-chan knows this is the reason Sougo broke up with her, she'll take him back for sure. All our troubles have been solved!"

Hijikata's thoughts went back to the alleyway, to the girl who looked so heartbroken with her eyes fixed on the ground, saying _'He doesn't care.'_.

"I don't know if that's possible, Kondo-san. He really broke her heart. She deserves better than that."

"But they're both sad. I'd never seen Sougo this – this _mopey_."

Hijikata frowned.

"Yeah? He brought it upon himself. If he had stopped acting like a little shit and trusted her, this would never have happened."

"But-"

"She deserves to know, Kondo-san. You're right about that. I don't care if Sougo tries to take my head for it, I'll tell her. And afterwards, we have a plan to set into motion."

* * *

"Kamiyama."

"Yeah."

"I knew his obsession with my ass was a little extreme."

Sougo had paused, his sword still in one hand while the other one held a cloth, moist with polishing oil.

"Do we have a plan?"

"Yeah. Kondo-san and I decided to-"

"Let me guess. Put Yamazaki on his tail, not let Kamiyama know that we found out, let selected information go through and use me to train the troops."

Hijikata froze with his cigarette halfway to his lips.

"How did you – Did you plant a microphone on me again?"

"It's a classic tactic, Hijikata-san. You're so predictable."

"Well, what do you suggest, then?"

Sougo distractedly continued polishing his sword.

"Nothing. There's a reason it's a classic. It's a good plan. I know it's hard for you to do, but try to use your brain a little."

Hijikata chose not to respond. It was a weak insult, by the sharp-tongued man's standards. He scrutinized Sougo, trying to find anything out of place, but came up with nothing. Well, if anything was wrong, it wasn't like he would tell Hijikata. Kondo would have to force it out of him.

"I'm telling that China girl what's going on."

Sougo started, his hand slipping.

"Shit."

"The best swordsman of Shinsengumi cut himself with his own sword? Wow, Sougo, you're a legend in making."

"Shut up Hijikata-san." said Sougo. He wrapped a spare cloth around his palm, which quickly soaked up the blood. He didn't say anything for a few moments, tying the ends of the cloth with his other hand and pulling it taut with his teeth.

"I don't want her to know. She will want to get involved."

"Tough luck. She's already involved."

Sougo, lifted his eyes to meet Hijikata's.

"What do you mean?"

Hijikata looked away, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"She was attacked."

Sougo frowned, his arms tense and his grip on his sword tightening.

"Who?"

"The men we brought in yesterday. There were about twenty-five."

"The ones you caught during the patrol?"

"Yes."

"Damn it. I know I should have taken that shift."

Hijikata watched, unmoving, as Sougo got up, throwing his sword carelessly on his futon and started pacing the length of his room.

"Why did they go after her? Is she okay?"

Hijikata raised an eyebrow, disturbed by his restless pacing.

"Apparently, you being all lovey-dovey with China girl made them think they could use her to get you. And she had dealt with about half of them before I even arrived, and there was this one guy who tried to flirt with her – will you stop that?"

"What?"

"Stop pacing! It doesn't suit you."

"What do you mean, 'tried to flirt with her'?"

"I meant what I said."

Sougo's face darkened. He walked up to Hijikata, taking his arm and trying to pull him out of the room.

"He's in jail, isn't he? Show me which one. Did he try to touch her? Did he-"

Hijikata ripped his arm out of Sougo's tight grip.

"You lied to her and left her. Where do you think you get the right to be jealous? It's disturbing."

"I was going to win her back when the threat was dealt with."

Hijikata stared, dumbfounded, at the level of idiocy the man in front of him had somehow achieved.

"She deserves to know."

"She deserves to _be_ _safe_."

Hijikata clenched his fist, his quick temper making itself known.

"You know what, you piece of shit?" he said, hands itching to wrap around Sougo's neck and _squeeze_ , "I'm glad you were the one to dump her. You know why? Because she would never do that. I saw it clear as day, yesterday. She loved you, despite _knowing_ you. She loved you, and you hurt her because you didn't trust her."

He turned to leave. He had a China girl to find.

* * *

"She still hasn't left her closet, Gin-san. We should do something."

Gintoki grunted noncommittally, immersed in his JUMP. A patter of feet came from the hallway, unheard through the sounds of Sadaharu panting from where he lay in front of the entrance.

"She didn't even bother to come out when I told her I wanted to check on her injuries."

"Leave her be, Shinpachi. She's going through a phase right now."

Kagura slammed open the door, coming in through the hallway. She hit Gintoki on the head, who sat up in pain and surprise.

"It's not a phase, Gin-chan!" she said, and after assuring Shinpachi her wounds were fine, she went to ravage the kitchen for breakfast.

Rubbing his head, and hearing impossibly loud slurping sounds from the kitchen, Gintoki flopped back into the couch.

"Ugh. Teenagers."

Shinpachi was looking towards the kitchen, worried about Kagura, or the cleanup he would have to do after Kagura. To Gintoki, both seemed equally likely.

"Don't worry, Shinpachi. She's young, and strong. She will be okay."

Like it was her cue, the sound of Kagura choking on a sob, and then, a plate shattering was heard.

"…Will be, I said. Give it time." Gintoki said, and raised his eyes from his JUMP to find himself talking to empty space.

"Ugh. Teenagers."

He tried to listen in to their conversation, Shinpachi having rushed to the kitchen to check on Kagura.

"…fucking pickles. Reminded me of our first … and then I stabbed his shoulder to … drop it. He dropped it in my fucking cleavage and … boob hurt for days."

"What kind of date-"

"It was fun, okay! If you keep … I'll make you eat … balls for dinner."

Gintoki shuddered, regretting ever thinking something normal could come out of Kagura's mouth. Where was this new generation going?

He was roused by his thoughts by a knock on the door. He didn't bother getting up, and predictably, Shinpachi came out of the kitchen to open the door.

"Hijikata-san? Did something happen?"

Gintoki sat up, throwing the JUMP onto the coffee table.

"Yeah. Is China girl here?"

"Kagura-chan? She's in the kitchen, why?"

"I need to talk to her."

Gintoki hurriedly got up from the couch, intercepting Hijikata on his way to the kitchen. He took Hijikata by the arm, pulling him into the living room. He took a seat at the sofa and crossed his legs, bringing his fingers together in front of his chin – that's what psychologists who tried to stop people from doing stupid things did on TV.

"Lay down, Mayora." he said, gesturing to the sofa parallel to the one he was sitting on.

"Did you smoke something funny again? You're acting weirder than usual." Said Hijikata with a quizzical look, his eyes scrunched in his confusion.

"Shut up, bird brain! You're the one who wants to talk to my daughter. So, lay. Down." Gintoki said, frowning and pointing to the sofa again.

Hijikata sighed, fed up with everyone's shit. But he knew how stubborn the lazy bastard was. He had no choice but to go through with it.

He dragged his feet towards the battered sofa which had many suspicious stains on it, and threw himself down. He didn't even bounce. Even their sofa springs were shitty. He intertwined his hands above his abdomen and waited for Gintoki to speak.

Gintoki nodded, satisfied, and assumed his 'psychologist poise' again.

"Let's go back to your childhood."

Hijikata groaned, throwing both his palms to cover his face. Idiots. _Idiots_ , all of them.

"Just get me Kagura and I'll leave."

Gintoki threw his hands up, annoyed.

"Why did Kagura become so popular all of a sudden? I don't have time to fend off all these suitors. If you want to take Kagura, you'll have to court her properly. Also fight me, to prove you're able to protect her, fight her to prove you're strong enough to keep her entertained. And we'll need documentations for at least the past six months of your income-"

"Oh my God." groaned Hijikata for the nth time, sitting up to face Gintoki. "Oh. _God_. I'm not here to get her that way, idiot! I need to tell her something. About -"

"If you say Soichiro, I'll hand you your balls."

"-Sougo."

Gintoki threw his head back, hitting the backrest of the sofa.

"I never knew raising children was this much trouble. All they do is eat, fight, and destroy government property along the way. How did – this –" Gintoki paused, trying to find a word that fit, but came up with nothing, "this love shit happen? Where did they even find the time?"

"How would I know? I didn't even know Sougo had this many emotions since a week or so ago."

Gintoki sighed.

"Are you trying to get them back together?"

Hijikata scratched his neck and turned away slightly. He wasn't used to talking about things like this, and he didn't like it one bit.

"No, I – well. China - I mean, Kagura is a nice girl, though she's kinda weird and horrifying sometimes. Most of the time maybe."

Hijikata paused, the memories of all the times he had ever seen Kagura eat anything in her sight and puke shortly after, fight anyone and everyone, saying ' _he looked at me funny'_ , beat twenty guys at an alleyway without knowing why they were even after her, rushed to his head.

"Okay, all the time. But… she's a nice… she's… I'm having second thoughts."

"Understandable. What's this thing you wanted to tell her about Soichiro?"

"It's personal, about why he broke up with China girl. It's not my place to tell you –"

"That he broke up with her because there are some people after him and she got hurt because of it, she doesn't know and is heartbroken because of the shit he told her, yadda yadda?"

Gintoki scoffed at Hijikata's bewildered look.

"You don't have to be so surprised, Mayoman. You're not the only one who keeps tabs on people."

"Huh."

"Anyways. So, you're telling me, that you want to tell an incredibly strong, violent girl who has moved on from sadness and crying to anger and breaking household items, that her _snookums_ broke up with her because he couldn't trust her to protect herself?"

"Hey – Hey! No one said he didn't think she could protect herself –"

"But that isn't how she'll see it, is it?"

"Stop making sense. It's unbecoming."

Hijikata slumped back into the sofa, praying for a lightning to strike and erase his pitiful existence. He had come to Edo to become the law force, and got turned into a matchmaker instead. Having to talk to the aloof man sitting in front of him, picking his nose while waiting for him to speak, then flicking it off to the floor and everything he brought with himself along the way felt like a cosmic joke.

"What do I tell her, then?"

"Why do you want to tell her?"

Hijikata grimaced.

"Because Sougo's been a total asshole and no girl deserves that kind of pain. I'm not trying to get them back together, or keep them apart. I just think everyone deserved to know the truth if it affects their lives."

Gintoki stared at him, unnerving him quickly.

"What?"

"I'm proud of you, Patron Saint of Mayorin. Didn't think you had it in you."

"Also, she got attacked."

"Oh. I'm sure she did fine."

"You're a crappy parent," said Hijikata, "How am I supposed to tell her?"

Gintoki hummed, rubbing his chin.

"How about –"

"I'll save you the trouble, Gin-chan." Came a familiar voice from the doorway, startling them both. Kagura was walking away from the living room door to the main entrance with Sadaharu on her heels.

"I'll be back soon. Or not. I have to take care of something."

Kagura slammed the door behind her, leaving two horrified men behind her.

* * *

It was not fun, guarding the _Shinsengumi's_ main gates. Though it was usually calm and wasn't exceptionally troublesome, the past week had brought two near death experiences too many. It was getting tiring.

A couple of days after the white-haired weirdo came swinging a wooden sword, an equally weird red haired girl stormed in, wielding a purple umbrella and a monstrous dog-ish thing beside her. The guards situated at the gates tried to ask for her name and for what reason she came, as per procedure, but were silenced by an umbrella nudging their necks.

"You. The one with the shitty haircut. Open the door and lead me to where your Captain is."

The shitty haircut guy trembled, but was more resistant this time. What was the most a petite looking girl could do?

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but our Captain was very strict on not letting anyone –"

The girl raised her umbrella towards the sky and with a flick of her fingers, rapid fire burst from the tip of her weapon.

She glared at him.

"You were saying?"

He cursed his life, his job, whoever decided to station him there, and opened the gates.

"Right this way, ma'am."

"Oh," said Kagura, turning to the man, "Take care of Sadaharu while I'm inside. He's that puppy I came with."

He was definitely going to resign.

* * *

"China, listen –"

"I don't want to listen to anything you have to say!"

Kagura swung her umbrella towards his head, Sougo quickly ducking to avoid his head being smashed to pieces. Again.

"How dare you, you piece of shit? After all these years we fought, and you still doubt my skills?"

"China, I know you're strong, will you just _listen_ –"

"No, I won't! You disgusting – idiot – you pig!"

Kagura swung at him again, but instead of dodging this time, Sougo shot forward, getting a hold of her right wrist and making her drop her umbrella. He tripped her and she grabbed his collar. Kagura fell backwards onto the floor, Sougo putting a hand behind her head so she didn't hurt her head.

Seeing the intimate position they were in, Kagura struggled, trying to push him off of herself.

"Get off me! Get off me, or I swear –"

"China. Listen to me."

Kagura, managing to pull a hand free, slammed it against Sougo's face, grabbing his cheeks and squeezing.

He tried to call her name, which came out more like 'choino'. If Kagura wasn't so pissed, she would find it amusing. Endearing even.

"Shut the fuck up. I'm going to kill you, and you will stay silent through it."

Sougo ripped her hand from his cheeks, quickly grabbing the other one and holding them down.

"I said _listen_ , you damn monster, are you fucking deaf?"

Though his words weren't unusual, his serious tone made Kagura pause. She wasn't used to hearing anything other than his sarcastic, and at times, affectionate timbre.

Sougo mentally clapped himself on the back. He could rarely get China to be quiet. Now, he had to choose his words carefully. He went through some options, and decided on the most truthful one.

"I did it to protect you."

Apparently, while it was true, it was also too short and explained nothing.

"That's it? That's fucking it? I can't believe you! The _nerve_ –"

"God _damn_ it!" Sougo exploded. "Shut up! I did it, because you got hurt because of a mess I created! Do you know how hard it is to –"

"Of course I do!" Kagura screamed back, "How do you think I feel when you come back from a mission all bruised and bleeding? How it feels to clean your wounds and wrap them up, knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent it?"

Kagura tugged her hands free, finally pushing a stunned Sougo off herself and sitting up. She could feel tears prickling behind her eyes and her cheeks heat, but she didn't pay them any mind. She kept on, getting words out and off her chest through her rapid breathing.

"But I didn't leave you! I never even thought about it, because that's what couples do! They fight with each other, against their enemies, and they fix each other up to keep fighting! But what hurt more than seeing you wounded, or getting that wound that day was what you said."

"I didn't mea –"

"You told me you were bored of me! You – you called me a _plaything_!"

Sougo slammed a hand against the floor, but Kagura was too wound up to be startled.

"Because I knew you would want to intervene! I tried to stop it but you went and did it anyway! Damn you!"

"That's what couples fucking do!" yelled Kagura, emphasizing and getting louder with every word.

They both fell silent, the only sound their heaving breaths. Kagura kept staring at Sougo, who did everything he could to avoid her gaze. Seeing he was dead set on just sitting there, looking deader than a corpse, Kagura pulled herself up and straightened her dress. After making sure that her cheeks were free of any tears that may have slipped through, she turned to leave.

"China. I'm sorry."

Kagura didn't stop until she had one hand on the door.

"Sorry won't cut it this time."

She pulled the door open, and four men promptly fell to her feet. She looked at them, bewildered, and they looked back up with sheepish eyes. She heard a frustrated curse and raised her gaze to see about ten more men gathered in front of Sougo's door.

She had no time for this shit.

She pulled her umbrella, finger ready at the trigger.

"If you don't disappear in five seconds, I'll make you disappear forever. Scram."

The men quickly looked at each other and turned to run for their lives.

Without looking back, Kagura went to get Sadaharu and go home.

* * *

Yamazaki burst into Hijikata's office, the normally nervous and polite man nowhere to be found.

Hijikata shot up in his seat, tensing.

"Vice-Commander! We have a problem!"

"Is it Kamiyama? Did you find something important?"

"Yes, but that's not it. Vice-Commander, we have to get Captain Okita back together with his girlfriend! For the sake of our troops' sanity!" said Yamazaki, hands shaking.

Hijikata sighed. Damn that boy.

"What has he done this time?"

"He has been killing us in training the past week, since they had that fight, and today he decided we weren't doing good enough and decided to give instructions first hand." He said, wringing his fingers. He looked jumpy, with his eyes darting from place to place and knees trembling.

Hijikata rubbed his temples.

"And?"

Yamazaki swallowed with difficulty.

"Six of our men have been hospitalized."

 _Damn_ that boy. It seemed all he did was slack off and create more paperwork for his superiors. Hijikata took a deep breath and lit a cigarette.

"I'll deal with him. Report to the Commander to relay the information you've gathered."

With a salute and a "Yes, sir." Yamazaki left the room.

* * *

"Gin-san! We have a problem!"

Gintoki groaned from his sofa, with the TV remote in one hand and a bottle of strawberry milk in the other.

"What is it, Patsuan? Old hag ask for rent again?"

"No, it's not that."

Gintoki hummed, his eyes still fixed on the TV. He failed to notice Shinpachi fiddling with his glasses, taking them off to wipe them repeatedly.

"Well, you know how Kagura-chan had that fight with Okita-san?"

"Yeah, what about it?" Gintoki said, still staring at the dancing weird strawberries who kept clapping with their little strawberry hands.

Shinpachi felt blood rush to his head, and within moments he threw the remote controller to the other sofa after turning off the TV.

"Gin-san! Listen to me. Kagura-chan keeps fighting with street gangs and destroying public property!"

"Oh, no," said Gintoki with a blank face, "She's doing what she does every day. Amazing."

Shinpachi let out a frustrated groan, pulling at his hair.

"Do you know how much this will cost us?"

Gintoki, suddenly alert, fully turned towards Shinpachi.

"Will we have to sell ourselves? I never thought it would come to this. Well, let's hope Yoshiwara has brothels for women too."

Shinpachi ran a hand down his face.

"There are host clubs for that, Gin-san. And that's not the point."

"What is the point, then?"

Shinpachi took a breath, preparing himself to say a sentence he never thought he would have to.

"We have to get Kagura-chan and Okita-san back together."

"Neh."

Shinpachi felt like he could scream.

"What do you mean, _neh_?" he said. "Neh? Neh!"

"Shut up Shinpachi, you sound like a baby sheep."

"You know what I'll say to that? Neh!"

"Oh god." Gintoki rolled his eyes. "We're not getting them back together."

"Why not? They're both having problems because they're separate! Like not wasting energy fighting each other and therefore using that energy to do things that cost money? Is that hard to understand?"

"Neh. If he wants her back, he can get her back himself." Said Gintoki. "Time, Patsuan. Give it time."

* * *

 **Notes** :

This keeps getting longer and longer. I don't know what I'm doing.

Finally some OkiKagu interaction :) Feel free to message me about any mistakes you find!


	5. Chapter 5

Yamazaki squirmed in his seat, risking a glance at his Vice-Commander. He silently watched as ash fell from the tip of his cigarette, which was faintly trembling along with the man himself. He tried to draw himself back without drawing attention at himself.

He knew that Eye Twitch™.

 _God_ , that Eye Twitch™. Fuck whoever invented eye muscles that could twitch.

Deeming himself and his poor, _poor_ ears far enough from the shouts that were inevitable, he sat back to wait until Hijikata snapped. Judging from the severity of the Eye Twitch™, he gave it a minute at most.

Yamazaki picked up a cinnamon sugar cookie and bit it in half. Chewing slowly to savor the taste, he switched from looking at Hijikata to Kondo, who was arranging tiny muffins and cookies on a three-tiered pastry plate with his tongue peeking out from the side of his mouth, brows drawing together in a frown.

Well, pastry arrangement was a difficult, serious business. He could respect that.

Looking a little bit closer, Yamazaki could see the cookies being arranged in a crescent – star – heart – flower formation on the bottom tier, and the muffins in a chocolate – blueberry – chocolate formation. They looked cute and inviting against the light pink heart patterns on porcelain, the crumbles of the muffins waving to him, while tiny sugar granules on the cookies winked at him, singing cheerily, _'oh, father, who bound us to capitalism, it's your sins that bind our kin to be slaughtered, ground and mass produced.'_

Yamazaki tore his eyes away from the damn pastry plate, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. It wasn't ideal to come to a secret meeting straight out of training. But with Okita as his Captain, there was nothing to be done. He sighed.

Which turned to a barely suppressed yelp when Hijikata slammed a palm on the table, the sound echoing through the room and the vibrations disturbing the carefully laid pastries.

"Are you fucking kidding me, sir?"

Kondo looked heartbrokenly at the pastries.

"Toushi! I've been working on that for twelve minutes!"

"Damn your fucking cookies! We've been tracking Kamiyama for the past two weeks, and all we have is," Hijikata paused to browse through the pages of their report, "two pages, and you're arranging _cookies_?"

"Don't be so tense, Toushi! We have–"

"Nothing! All it says here is, 'Kamiyama took a break to urinate at 14:46, which lasted ten minutes, after which he requested a meeting with Captain Okita to inquire about upcoming operations. Captain Okita proceeded to scold Kamiyama, which ended up in a three hour long training session.' What the hell is this?" Hijikata said, slamming the file against the table. It shuddered for the second time, causing a cookie to fall off the pastry plate, scattering sugar in a one inch radius.

Kondo, horrified, immediately grabbed the cookie to put it back to its designated place.

"Look, Toushi, Kamiyama might be sneaky, but so are we. Sougo and I put together a new plan, and found out their –"

Yamazaki hadn't thought it to be possible, but Hijikata's Eye Twitch™ got even more severe. Clenching a hand into a fist and biting through the filter of his cigarette, Hijikata said through clenched teeth;

"And you didn't feel the need to notify me about it."

Kondo waved his hands with a sheepish expression. Yamazaki shoved another cinnamon cookie in his mouth. God, they were _delicious_. He would ask Kondo where he had gotten them at the end of the meeting.

"A-Ah, no, the thing is, we found out where they –"

Kondo was interrupted by the door opening with a click. Saitou and Sougo walked in, the former indifferent with what was going on around him, judging by what could be seen of his face – about one fourth of his face, anyways – and the latter with a faint, thoughtful scowl.

Kondo clapped his hands.

"Finally, seeing as we're all here, we can start to discuss our new plan that we're executing today–"

"Sorry, Kondo-san," said Sougo, quickly stepping towards Hijikata and grabbing him by his sleeve, "but we have to leave now. You can tell Yamazaki and Saitou about the new plan and I'll tell Hijikata-san. See you."

"Sougo – where are we goi –"

"Wait, Sougo –"

"No time for questions, Hijikata-san. Hurry up." Said Sougo, pulling Hijikata out of the door and slamming it shut behind him.

Yamazaki looked at the faintly vibrating door for a moment, before grabbing a blueberry muffin and stuffing it in his mouth. It faintly cried, ' _oh, forefathers, you see what you've turned me in to, I pay the price for your sins._ '

Hm. They were good too, but not as good as the cinnamon cookies.

Kondo stared at the door for a few moments, before clearing his throat and pulling the file in front of Hijikata's still spinning seat.

"S-So, I'm gonna tell you about our plan of incursion to the rogue faction's homebase."

* * *

"What the fuck, Sougo?" said Hijikata as Sougo pushed him into a chair in his office.

"Shut up for a minute, Hijikata-san." Said Sougo, pacing around his office for a few moments, before taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly with his back turned to Hijikata, who watched silently, flicking a cigarette out of his chest pocket and lighting it. He took a slow drag as Sougo seemingly gathered the courage to turn around. He knew, from the boy's tense shoulders, where this was going.

He took another drag from his cigarette, exhaling slowly. Sougo was still resolutely staring at the ground with his back turned to him.

"You know, if I had known girl problems affected you this much, I would have set you up long ago."

With a sigh, Sougo turned around and walked over to the chair in front of Hijikata, dropping heavily into it.

"Hijikata-san."

Hijikata hummed an unconcerned response.

"You're like my big brother."

Hijikata swallowed the smoke in his mouth, the smoke going down the wrong pipe. He coughed a few times as Sougo watched impassively.

"Whe –" Hijikata coughed a few more times, trying to clear the moisture that had built up in his throat, "Where did that come from?"

Sougo waited until Hijikata stopped coughing, playing with the hilt of his sword.

"I'm just buttering you up so you listen to my 'girl problems'."

Hijikata groaned, straightening up in his seat to look at the young man sitting in front of him. Sougo focused on the hilt of his sword, refusing to raise his eyes to meet Hijikata's. For a moment, it wasn't a young adult sitting before Hijikata, but a little boy, calling him 'big brother', waiting until his training ended to ride upon his shoulders.

Groaning again, Hijikata let his head loll back.

"Lay it on me."

* * *

Gintoki rubbed his forehead to fend off the headache he knew was coming. Kagura paced through the kitchen, blocking the door in case either him or Shinpachi wanted to escape. She had lured Sadaharu from his usual place in the living room with snacks to block the kitchen door.

Well, he had to admit, the girl had grown to be smart. Gintoki cupped his chin with his palm. With both of them guarding the door, and Shinpachi being such a sissy, they had no way of escaping without damaging the flat, which would cause the rent to-

Kagura growled low in her throat, alerting both Gintoki and Sadaharu, before kicking a hole in the wall.

Gintoki stared at the hole leading directly to the street for a few moments, before redirecting his gaze to the girl who was still pacing through the kitchen. She mumbled something under her breath he couldn't catch, paused for a moment, shook her head and stomped.

Another hole that would be added to the rent. Oh, how Gintoki hated additional damage to the rent. He hoped when Shinpachi had relationship problems, it wouldn't be as pricey as _this_.

Ugh.

Gintoki scratched his head. He should have thought twice when he adopted a prepubescent girl. He wasn't an easy one when he was a teen either, so why had he thought that this was a good idea?

Steeling himself for the oncoming storm, he took a deep breath.

"Kagura."

Kagura hummed, still pacing through the kitchen, her eyes focused somewhere far, far away.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened with Soichiro or not?"

Kagura halted, her eyes wide as she stared art Gintoki.

"How did you know, Gin-chan?"

"It's not rocket surgery."

"I thought that was 'It's not rocket science,' Gin-san." said Shinpachi.

"Whatever." Gintoki grumbled. "Are you going to tell me what your problem is, or not?"

Kagura sighed and sat in front of them, silently fuming.

"Well?" Gintoki said.

* * *

"Well?" said Hijikata.

"I told her that I did it to protect her!"

* * *

"I went to comfort him! And you know what he said? He said he did it to _protect_ me!"

Gintoki huffed.

"Do you mean 'confront'?"

Kagura leaned across the tiny table to grab Gintoki's hands. Gintoki yelped, feeling his bones grind together in Kagura's tight grip.

"Damn it Kagura, I use my sword with those!"

"Gin-chan! Look at me. Do I look like I need protecting? I'm a damn Yato, I can break him like a _fucking toothpick_ –"

Gintoki looked up to the skies. Or the ceiling of their living room, as it happened.

"Well, maybe you should go and prove it to him. That you can break him like a 'fucking toothpick', I mean."

Kagura released Gintoki's hands, who started clenching and relaxing his hands to get feeling back in them.

"You're right, Gin-chan! If I put him into a coma for a few months, it would solve everything!"

She clapped her hands, her eyes sparkling with the thought of some peace and quiet – well, that wasn't right, but still! A couple of months without Sougo sounded like heaven.

"Later, Gin-chan! I gotta go to the park!"

* * *

"Is it so hard to understand that I don't want her to come to harm? Fuck!"

Hijikata declined to respond. Watching Sougo pace through his room, he silently knocked on the sliding door. Catching the attention of one of the officers, he ordered a cup of warm sake and shut the door.

Why did the teenagers in this day and age have to be so dumb?

Pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, he called out to Sougo.

"Hm? Do you have a request for tomorrow's assassination attempt?"

Praying for _Kami_ to give him patience, he patted the seat next to himself. Sougo stared at him, then at his hand which was still resting on the cushion next to him.

"The most I can do with a cushion is suffocate you with it. I don't know why I thought you could come up with a fun and creative way to die. Seriously."

Hijikata groaned, dropping his head to the back of the couch.

"I have no idea how you managed to get her to love you. You dumb piece of shit."

Hijikata looked up at Sougo's sigh. He had a dumb, dreamy look on his face that only a teenager who has fallen in love for the first time could have.

Disgusting.

His stomach clenched, rebelling like there was an army of angry beavers trying to tear it open to make their escape to hills with lush, green grass, where they could run around and frolic to their hearts' content.

He took a deep breath, trying to silence the screaming beavers and ignore Sougo's faraway gaze.

"Well, what can I say?" said Sougo, still with that gross expression on his face. Hijikata slapped a hand on his mouth, his stomach lurching. "Our eyes met across a field of fallen enemies. She was breathing hard, and had someone's blood on her face. It was _hot_ , I tell you. Then I tried to kiss her and she knocked me out."

Hijikata took a few deep breaths, gulping with difficulty to alleviate his nausea.

"You have issues, kid."

"Or maybe your understanding of love is just boring, Hijikata-san. I bet you're a real vanilla in bed."

There was a prolonged silence, with Sougo still gazing weirdly at the corner of the room and Hijikata trying to pinpoint exactly when his life turned into this shit show.

"Ah. Also we're gonna have an operation today. We've discovered their base."

* * *

"I have found something that will be effective on the girl!" their leader's voice boomed in the warehouse. How goddamn _typical_. They were going against a government institution, they were planning to kidnap a girl, and they were in a fucking _warehouse_. Ugh.

He spat on the dirt covered floor. He wouldn't have joined if he knew it was going to be this – this _cliché_.

He looked around the dim space. No one seemed to actually take the leader seriously. Most of them were lounging around on available crates and the few couched they had managed to drag in, and the rest were leaning on walls and columns, talking among themselves.

'Well', he thought, 'it's really hard to take someone who is five foot tall and has a gigantic mustache seriously.' It was a wonder how he had been admitted to Shinsengumi in the first place. They must have been desperate at the time or something. But he had to give him that, he had a surprisingly deep voice for such a small person.

"Henchmen!" the leader boomed again. It was like he was overcompensating for everything with his voice. And what the fuck was _Henchmen_? Did he think he was the Joker or some shit?

"What do you want mate? Huh?" someone yelled from the crate he was laying on. "You wan' us to go on another suicide mission?"

The leader slammed his fist on the nearest crate.

"No, my loyal henchmen, I don't expect you to go on a suicide mission. Because," he probably paused for dramatic effect, but all the drama was lost because everyone's eyes were fixated on his mustache which faintly trembled, "I have the solution to our problems!"

The leader grinned winningly, expecting hoots and hollers of appreciation. What he got was blank stares and the sparkle of the sun hitting a sleeping guy's drool.

"Men! I have the solution! We can finally succeed!"

"You realize every time you yell like that, the whole place vibrates? Stop it."

Finally fed up with their nonchalance, the leader snapped.

"You incompetents! You insolent fools! I will get my revenge on Shinsengumi, and you will do as I bid!"

He snapped a finger at the nearest man.

"You! Gather a team of twenty. Seventeen of you will distract her, while the other three will have injector guns with this drug I have gotten hold of. You will render her ineffective, and bring her here. Go!"

The warehouse filled with grunts and groans, but they moved to do as they were told.

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" someone asked. They had surrounded the park the girl frequented and were waiting for the right moment to attack, but they were all rightfully nervous. After all, she had wiped the floor with the last two teams who were sent to retrieve her.

"Look at her, man, she's just a tiny girl! She must have had help the last two times. It'll be fine."

The guy nodded, seeming kind of reassured, but the tension of the group wasn't fully alleviated.

"Why can't we just drug her from afar? We don't have to distract her if her attention is already somewhere else, right?"

Murmurs of agreement rose from the group, occasionally looking at the fiery haired girl pacing the area in front of a bench. She angrily kicked a rock, which flew and embedded itself in the wall of a building.

"Uh. Well. Let's do it from afar."

They pushed the three guys with the injection guns at the front, who situated themselves and prepared to fire. They waited until the area mostly cleared, and fired the moment she stopped to gaze at a tree.

She stood still for a moment, then dropped to the ground so much like stone.

The men high fived each other in victory, and went to collect their prize.

* * *

Hijikata fiddled with his earpiece, putting it in his ear and pressing the small button. It crackled to life, and went silent a moment later. He checked his watch. Only ten minutes until they moved out. He looked around, scanning the men from troops one, two and four as they double checked their earpieces and swords. He caught Kondo's gaze, and nodded.

"Alright!" He shouted, "Attention, you pieces of shit! We're going over the plan for the last time. Division Two!"

"Scan the area and guard the doors, sir!" They shouted in unison.

Hijikata nodded sharply.

"Division Four!"

"Cover the windows, attack from above, sir!"

"Good! Division One!"

"Main attack, apprehend the faction, sir!"

Hijikata nodded in confirmation, and turned to Yamazaki.

"Yamazaki will lead Division Four. You will report how many members there are, asses their weaponry, and use these audio devices to tell us if they are anticipating our attack. I'm taking Division One –"

He was interrupted by Sougo's indignant ' _What the hell?_ ', and directed a glare at him.

"– shut the fuck up, Sougo. I will take Division One, and Captain Okita will lead Division Two. Anyone who endangers this mission will have to commit seppuku! Move out!"

"Wait! Vice-Commander, sir!"

"What?"

The officer seemed to shrink under Hijikata's glare.

"U-Um, sir, what will the commander do, if he won't lead any of the Divisions?"

Kondo laughed loudly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I'm here for moral support, of course!"

The officers stared blankly at him, before Hijikata yelled at them to move out.

* * *

After an hour long ride, and half an hour reaching the warehouse and getting to their positions, they were finally set.

Hijikata clicked the button on his earpiece, signaling the others to do the same. He watched the men position themselves on the windows, by the gates and behind bushes.

"Everyone in position?" he said quietly.

Crackle.

"Eh." Sougo drawled.

"Sougo," Hijikata sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "Why did you bring the damn bazooka? This is a covert mission. And I'm right next to you, don't crowd the comms."

"Eh." Sougo's voice came with the faint crackle of the earpiece. "You never know. Might be necessary."

"Division One in position."

Hijikata took a nearby rock to throw on the head of the officer that spoke.

"Shut up, you idiot! I know that Division One is in position!"

"Sorry, Vice-Commander, sir!"

Hijikata groaned low in his throat. He hoped his men's idiocy didn't mess the mission up. He took a glance at the warehouse's closest window. Division Four was still in the process of situating themselves beside the windows where they wouldn't be seen. It was silent, except for the rustling of their clothes, before a few moments of absolute silence reigned and then murmurs started.

"Silence!" Hijikata said, "Don't crowd the comms! Yamazaki, what do you see?"

Yamazaki stood frozen on the window side.

Sougo butted in from where he was situated in front of the main gate.

"Tell us what you see, you bland piece of shit, or I'll take it out on you on Monday morning."

Yamazaki spluttered.

"Uh! Captain Okita! They – they are sitting in a circle, sir!"

Hijikata decided not to interfere. He knew when to use Sougo's tactics for his benefit.

"And?" Said Sougo, "How many are there? What are they doing?"

There was a drawn out silence. Division Four mumbled among themselves, undecipherable to the rest of them.

"Yamazaki!" Hijikata snapped.

"They appear to be – um, excuse me," Yamazaki said, setting up his equipment to listen in on their conversation.

"Ca-Captain Okita, please keep calm." Said Yamazaki, his voice trembling.

Hijikata saw Sougo straighten, his hand tightening on his sword.

"What?" He said, his tone unnervingly flat.

"Well, um, Captain," Yamazaki fiddled with his earpiece, "Kagura-san is in there."

Sougo tensed, shoulders bunching under his jacket. He slid his sword out of its sheath with his thumb.

"What."

"They – They appear to be talking, sir!" Yamazaki said hurriedly, "There are snacks! And throw pillows!"

"What?"

"One of them is braiding her hair, sir!"

"What!" Shouted Sougo, taking a few steps back, and rushing forward to kick the door down.

"Stop him!" Hijikata whisper shouted, "Stop him, right now!"

A couple of men leapt forward to hold Sougo back by his arms, dragging him back towards where Hijikata was situated behind the bushes. Sougo kicked, swinging his sword wildly, until he was deposited next to Hijikata.

Hijikata smacked him on the back of his head.

"What the hell were you thinking? You piece of shit!"

Sougo sat up, rubbing the back of his head.

"What the fu –"

"You endangered the whole mission!"

Sougo glared at him, bringing his hand down from his head.

"You heard what he said. China is in there –"

"So what?" Hijikata yelled, "She's strong! She can take care of herself."

Hijikata huffed, watching Sougo fiddle with his earpiece which had come loose when he hit him.

"Yamazaki. You said something about – pillows?"

"Yes, sir! Uh, they appear to be - um. Talking. Kagura-san is saying something about – um."

Yamazaki fell silent again. Hijikata could feel his nerve endings sizzle with every passing second.

"What? What is she saying?" He said impatiently, his tone sharp.

"I'm connecting the listening device to the earpiece, sir! Just a moment," he said, before the earpieces crackled and the unmistakable sound of Kagura's pissed of voice reached their ears.

" – _oke up with me. And you know what he said? He said he didn't want me to get hurt!_ "

The distinctive sound of cracking wood filled their ears, impressed ' _oooh_ 's filling the background.

 _"I can break him like this fucking crate! I'm a damn Yato_!"

 _"You go, Kagura-chan!"_ a booming voice was heard, _"You show him what a worthless, undeserving heathen he is!"_

Yamazaki turned to Hijikata, catching his eye.

' _What the hell_ ,' mouthed Hijikata, ' _What the_ hell _._ '

 _"Well, I was going to,"_ Kagura said, _"I was going to put him into a coma for a few months before you brought me here, you damn Mustachio."_

"Ah, but Kagura-chan," said Mustachio, " _what if you hit him too hard and he forgot who put him into the coma?_ "

Sougo snorted over Kagura's thoughtful hum, before clicking his comm.

"Yamazaki. What's that 'Mustachio' look like?"

Hijikata saw Yamazaki lean a little forward.

"Short, looks like a wine barrel and has a gigantic mustache, sir."

Sougo nudged Hijikata sharply with his elbow.

"That's our guy."

Hijikata rubbed his chin.

"Doesn't sound threatening. What did you even do to him to make him create a rogue syndicate?"

"Oh," Sougo scratched his head, "Hmm. I shaved his moustache off while he was sleeping."

Hijikata stared at him for a few drawn out seconds, and directed his gaze skywards.

"What? It's against our dress code."

"Then I would have just made him commit seppuku!" Hijikata growled. Sougo looked thoughtful, before shrugging.

Hijikata let out a weary sigh.

"I was going to ask another thing I forgot, but now I'm not sure if I want to know the answer or not."

Sougo leaned back, supporting himself with one arm.

"Shoot."

Hijikata steeled himself, itching for a smoke.

"How did you convince Kamiyama to tell the location of their hideout?"

"Ah, that. I told him I'd bottom for him if he did. You know how much he likes my ass."

Hijikata looked on with a horrified, blank stare, before resignation overtook his features.

"And the aftermath." He said tonelessly.

"I took him to my dungeon, tied him up and shoved a burning candle up his ass. It's probably burnt out by now, though."

Hijikata took a ragged breath.

"I knew I shouldn't have asked."

"Too late now," Sougo drawled, a self satisfied smirk on his lips, "Now it's gonna be burnt to your retinas. Have fun sleeping tonight, Hijikata-san."

"U-um, Vice-Commander," Yamazaki interrupted, "The comms are still, um, on."

Sougo cackled, a vile, evil cackle that grated on Hijikata's ears. Hijikata slapped a hand on his forehead, and from the corner of his eye he could see some of the men turning various shades of green and purple. ' _How nice_ ,' he thought, trying to fend off the oncoming migraine, ' _Maybe Kondo-san can use those for his next pastry arrangement palette._ '

Their attempt to imitate a rainbow was interrupted by an explosion from the warehouse, the ground faintly trembling beneath them. Sougo's cackle abruptly cut off. He was on his feet a second later, one hand flying to his bazooka while the other pressed the button of his earpiece.

"Division Two. I don't care what Hijikata-san says, if you don't follow my orders right this fucking _second_ , the next people to get lit candles shoved up their asses will be _you_."

The men by the door looked at each other with terrified faces, before someone's voice came through the comms.

"Y-Yes, sir! What are our o-orders, sir?"

Sougo cocked his bazooka on his shoulder, determinedly walking towards the front gate. He distractedly noted Hijikata lying on the dirt, staring up at the calmly rustling trees.

"Arrest everyone you can. Kill the ones you can't. Get China to safety. On my count. Three, two- "


End file.
